Handling Conflict of Interests in Marriage

Marriage is a union of two individual persons (a man and a woman). The underlying fact is that the two parties in marriage are not perfect beings and they have different backgrounds and upbringings. Hence, husband and wife always have different interests and this continues in the marriage till death separates them. If the conflict of interests is not to destroy the marriage it must be well managed by husband and wife. In other words, a successful marriage is the marriage in which the husband and wife manages their differences with understanding and love with the welfare and continuity of their marriage in view.

In the course of my counselling experience, I have discovered four possibilities of conflict of interests between husbands and wives.

Case 1: Interests with Damaging Effects on the marriage

The first possibility is when the interest of the husband or wife is a potential bomb that can scatter the marriage, the couple must come together to review the interest. The interest can be modified and the offensive aspect removed. However, if the interest cannot be modified for the welfare of the marriage, the party having the interest must be persuaded to drop the interest. Such a party should count it as the sacrifice he or she will make for his or her marriage to be stabilised, prosperous and peaceful.

Case 2: Tolerable interests with no effect on the marriage

The second possibility is where the conflicting interest has no effect on the marriage and at the same time it can be tolerated by the other party. Such an interest could be allowed because it cannot cause conflict between the husband and wife. However, the party having such an interest should exercise caution so as not to overdo it to the extent that it will irritate his/her spouse.

It is pertinent to caution here that the couple must be careful so as not to allow a third party to make issue out of the interest. For example, the husband loves to take his food hot while the wife could not take hot food. In the light of this, the two of them agree to take their meal separately. In actual sense, this may not affect the family. But the heart of the husband may be poisoned against the wife by a third party by telling him that this may give room for the wife to kill him. If there is mutual trust between the husband and wife, this will not upset the stability between them. But when this opens way for suspicion on the part of the husband, it will affect the marriage.

Case 3: Harmless Interests but Intolerable by the Spouse

The third possibility is the situation where the conflicting interest has no effect on the marriage but cannot be accommodated by the spouse. This is similar to the second possibility but with a little difference that cannot be ignored.

At times, husband’s or wife’s interest may have no effect on the marriage but it is irritating to the other party. Such an interest often results to conflict between the husband and wife. If the person with such an interest wants peace in the marriage, he/she must do away with the interest without being bitter to his/her spouse.

For example, a husband may love to watch soccer even late in the night. Though it is harmless, it irritates the wife who loves to chat with her husband before she sleeps. In this instance, the wife will be burning within her. If this situation continues, it will cause friction between them which may destroy the marriage.

The best option here is twofold. Either the husband convinces the wife to develop interest in soccer so that they can watch it together or he sacrifices his interest for the sake of peace in his marriage. In the first option, he will need to first drop the interest and stay with his wife. Later he will discuss with her the benefits that he derives from watching soccer. If he does this in love, the wife may decide to watch soccer and later develop interest in them. As they are watching a game of soccer, they can chat with each other.

Case 4: Helpful and Threatening Interests

The fourth possibility is the situation where the interest of a party will help the marriage but it threatens the other party. This is the most critical among the possibilities. But in a marriage where love reigns, it can be resolved without affecting their relationship.

In resolving marital conflicts as a Marriage Counsellor, I have discovered that somebody may have certain interest which may be helpful to the marriage but it is a threat to his or her spouse. For example, a wife undertaking further studies for her promotion. This translates to an increased income which in turn boost the income of the family. But the fear that his wife may turn round to be proud and attempt to dominate him may threaten the husband. This can be resolved if the wife discovers the fear of her husband and assure him that actualising her interest will not change her.

On the other hand, if a man forms a partnership with a lady to boost his business, his wife may be threatened. She may think that her husband may fall in love with the lady partner. But she may not be bold enough to express her fear to her husband for fear of being tagged, ‘a jealous woman’. In a subtle way, this affects their love. If this lingers, the suspicion will erodes the trust they have for each other. Once this sets in, the marriage is in trouble and may collapse anytime.

In conclusion, good communication, mutual trust and concession are weapons to resolve conflicting interest in marriage. No sacrifice is too much to make in order to have a stable and happy marriage. Don’t accept the deception that you will get somebody whose interest will be absolutely the same with yours. If you allow conflicting interest to scatter your marriage, you may discover that the other spouse you pick is worse than the first.

Discover the 7 Keys for Building a Successful Marriage

The Word of God reveals that everything created by God was very good. Have you observed any negative thing or adverse situation in your life or marriage? Have you noticed certain negative habits in your spouse? This is not part of the design of God for you and your marriage. Examine yourself and your relationship in the light of God’s blueprint for marriage.

The origin of all negative and evil things that scatter marriage is Satan. You only need to examine the area he is operating in your marriage to frustrate the plan and purpose of God for your marriage. Then work together with your spouse to lock Satan out of your marriage. This will help you to move in the path of love. Satan cannot operate on the path of love because the power and illumination of love will expose him and you will have a happy family.

7 Keys to Walk on the Path of Love

Key 1: Husband and Wife must operate as Partners: God ordains marriage to be enjoyed by husband and wife and not to be endured. If husband and wife will realise this purpose, they must operate together in everything.

At this juncture, ask yourself, ‘Have I been operating together with my spouse?’ ‘Am I living as if I’m alone?’ ‘When I’m taking a decision, do I consult my spouse for his/her counsel?’ Or do I think I have enough wisdom to take quality decisions? If you are not seeing your spouse as your partner in progress, you are cheating yourself. Just start to plan together with your spouse; you will be surprised of the level your marriage will reach!

Key 2: Accepting Wise Counsels of Your Wife: As a wife, you should think deeply before you offer advice to your husband. Give the advice that can contribute to the growth of your love. In all cases, when you offer advice to your husband, subject it to his approval. Give him enough time to think on what he will do with your advice. On the other hand, as husband, think on the advice of your wife. Accept it if it conforms to the Word of God and its application will strengthen your marriage relationship..

In case your wife’s advice is not acceptable, turn it down with wisdom and love. You need to explain to her the reason(s) for rejecting her advice. Assure her that you will value her future advice.

Key 3: Handling Your Disputes and Disagreement in Love: Before you got married, did you intend to have dispute-free marriage? Now that you are married, are you embarrassed by the disputes and disagreement you’re having? Or do you see your marriage as a failure due to the disputes? This quote by Nancy J. Wasson may change your thought: ‘Lack of fights, disagreements, arguments and dissention is strongly connected to lack of passion and desire most time.’

My counsel to you is that when you have disagreement with your spouse, do not allow a third party (even your children) to know. Do not argue openly before a third party. Withdraw to your bedroom or any secluded place and resolve the issue amicably. Do not allow your argument to degenerate to domestic violence. The golden rule is: Do not allow any dispute between you and your spouse to linger long before it is settled. Lingering disputes generate tension that can result to anarchy in the home.

Key 4: Mutual Submission of Husband and Wife: Submission in marriage is a two-way affair. Husband submit to his wife by respecting her view, by denying himself to satisfy her and conceding to her when occasion demands. On the other hand, wife submit to her husband by accepting his authority and by obeying him. Mutual submission should not be by force. It should be in the fear of God.

Husband, your submission to your wife does not reduce your authority over her. Neither does it devalue you before her. Wife, your submission to your husband does not make you a slave to him. 

Key 5: Accepting Each Other: One of the keys to a successful marriage is mutual acceptance of both husband and wife. Husband and wife must see themselves as two sides of a coin. Their value and survival depend on this. Mutual acceptance helps husband and wife in respecting and honouring each other knowing fully well that whatever they do to each other affects both of them.

Key 6: Forgiving Each other: When husband and wife interact together as they ought to, mistakes and offences are inevitable. Thus forgiveness keeps them together to develop the love that can take their marriage to the blissful level. Realising that you’re not an angel and your spouse forgave you your past offences should prompt you to forgive your spouse.

Forgiving your spouse doesn’t make you cheap. Rather, it reveals your inner strength. “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” (Mahatma Gandhi).

Key 7: Patience: The foundational virtue that husband and wife need to build a happy home is patience. Solomon says, ‘…the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit’ (Eccl. 7:8). It takes time for husband and wife to develop the virtues that they need to build a happy home. In actual fact, the first five years of the marriage is very critical. The sad thing is that some marriages break up before the husbands and wives blend with each other. “Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.” (Mark Twain).

In the course of working together to build a prosperous family, husband and wife must bear with each other’s lapses, weaknesses, and irrational behaviours. “More marriages might survive if the partners realised that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” (Doug Larson). 

Are you tired of your marriage? Do you have the notion that your spouse cannot change again and you are planning to quit your marriage? Please be patient note this quote of John Fischer: “The success of marriage comes not in finding the "right" person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realise they married.”

Don’t Quit Your Marriage!!!