Nugget 4: Prompt Forgiveness of Your Spouse’s Offences

 Marriage is a life relationship between a man and a woman with the purpose of building a stable and peaceful family. If the marriage is to be peaceful and successful, relationship between husband and wife must be cordial and loving. Satan is aware of the potentials of the love driven marriage, hence, he works in a subtle way to destabilise cordial relationship between the husband and wife.  

The greatest weapon that Satan uses in this regard is unforgiving spirit.  This spirit is a silent destroyer of marriage love. Unforgiving spirit once allows in the mind against one’s spouse gives birth to bitterness, wrath, anger, evil speaking and malice.  This in turn destroys intimacy between husband and wife. 

In most of couples seminar or counselling session that I have conducted, the common question is: ‘How do you want me to forgive a man/woman who has done such and such to me?’  Some will be shedding tears when narrating the harrowing experience they have with their spouses. My answer is always frank and practical: ‘Forgive your spouse no matter the offence’. My counsel is based on certain premises.

First, as long as we are still living in this body we are not angels.  The fact is that love does not cure our weaknesses. Hence, we are bound to offend ourselves. Besides, one’s good intention is at times being misinterpreted by one’s spouse. Through forgiveness such an issue is clarified and resolved.

Second, the people who can offend themselves most are husbands and wives because they are always together and they interact together on daily basis and in every aspect of life.  This makes them to see each other’s mistakes or faults more often than in any other relationship which is casual.

Third, marriage is a mystery of two people becoming one. There is no room for separation.  If in the cause of eating, your teeth bite your tongue will you go and take pliers and remove the teeth?  Or if your food is put on the table and by accident one of your legs mistakenly hits the table and the food spills on the floor, will you go and take cutlass and cut the leg away because you are terribly hungry? All the above point to the fact that no matter what our spouses might have done to us, we must forgive them. The worst scenario is the case of extra-marital affairs. But then we must forgive our spouses.

Fourth, we often offend God and He forgives us. If God forgives us all our sins, we must forgive our spouses all his or her sins no matter the offences and their frequency.            

This is the Key that you need: Stop keeping the record of offences of your spouse. This is against the principles of forgiveness.  If you have such records, you need to burn them because anytime you read them you are renewing your wounds and you are making your heart to be more hostile and bitter towards your spouse.

A lady came to me and narrated how her husband left her in a critical state in the hospital after losing the baby she had just delivered and ran away. She vowed that she would never forgive him and that she did not even want to see him. I counselled her to forgive the husband. In tears she assured me that she had forgiven him. I then prayed that God should touch the man wherever he might be and bring him back home. Within two weeks the man came back and apologised. He promised to become a responsible husband. The lady then came to my office with joy and shared her testimony with me. Your case too can be like that if you can forgive your run-away or wayward spouse.

Are you saying, ‘Is it possible for man to forgive and forget?’  My answer is, YES. If you really forgive your spouse, remembering his/her offence will not disturb your love to him/her.  It will not affect your relationship with him/her and you won’t refer to it when he/she offends you.

My final counsel to you is that before you do anything, call your spouse and settle the matters that have been affecting your relationship for quite a long time.  Then promise that henceforth you will be forgiving each other as the offence arises.  

You can contact me for further counsel through WhatsApp No: 08033070986 

Nugget 3: Power of Collective Responsibility in Marriage

From the moment a man and a woman come together in marriage, they become one. This is mathematics of marriage: 1 + 1 = 1. When my son heard this, he retorted: Daddy you’re wrong. Of course, mathematically it is wrong. But in the institution of marriage, it is correct. Jesus Christ, the Author of marriage says in Matt. 19:5-6, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’. So then, they are no longer two but one flesh”. A marriage can only grow to a blissful and prosperous level if the husband and wife see themselves as one.

The husband and wife that see themselves as one will plan and work together for the success of their marriage. There will be no division or monopoly in their interactions. If there is a mistake on the part of either the husband or wife, the two of them will accept collective responsibility for it. This will prompt them to work together and fix the problem that was caused by the mistake.

Have you been shifting blame on your spouse for something that went wrong in your marriage? Did you nag your spouse when the effect of the error was biting hard on you? Did you even withdraw to yourself and tell your spouse to face the consequences of his or her actions alone? Are you thinking of abandoning your spouse in the marriage because of the effect of his or her action? All these actions cannot help the situation but rather compound it.

Since the error was committed in the course of building your marriage, you should see it as a collective error and thus face the problems together. Collectively sit down and examine the error with the mind of fixing it. Two heads are better than one. Problem shared is problem solved. Remember it could be your turn to commit an error tomorrow. Don’t allow your marriage to remain in the wilderness for long by shifting blame on your spouse. You are a partner together in the project of establishing a successful marriage. Working together guarantees your success.

Marriage is like an aeroplane in a very high altitude with the husband, wife and their children as the only passengers. The husband and wife are co-pilots in the cockpit. If the husband makes any error and the plane is drifting, the wife will quickly take control to save their marriage plane from crashing. If it crashes, their entire family will be wiped off. Should you then fold your hand and see your marriage drifting because of the error of your spouse?

Always remember you are both responsible for the success or failure of your marriage. As you share the joy of good actions of your spouse, share the consequence of his or her mistakes and fixed the problem fast. People say, ‘United will stand, divided will fall’. Work together with your spouse and your marriage will stand. Enjoy your marriage. 

 

Nugget 2: Managing the Differences between the Husband and Wife

 The major problem that confronts the husband and wife is their differences. This has destroyed many marriages because of the inability of the husband and wife to understand their differences and manage them with wisdom and understanding. Are you being terrifying by the differences between you and your spouse? Or are you planning to quit your marriage because of the differences between you and your spouse? Calm down and listen to this nugget. Understanding this nugget, I believe, will make you change your mind.

Mechanic of creation reveals that no two persons are the same. This is the reason we must relate with one another for progress and fulfilment of our mission on earth. Imagine! If parts of our body are the same, we cannot accomplish any meaningful task. It is networking of the members of our bodies with their differences that makes us grow and discharge our duties effectively.

Similarly, husband and wife are not homogeneous. God created husband and wife with unique differences. Ideally, husband and wife are to complement each other and not to compete with each other. That is, husband and wife combine together to form a dynamic partner that can build a happy and successful marriage. What is missing in the husband must be in the wife. This is the mystery of marriage.

It follows that husband and wife that will build a successful and blissful marriage must manage their differences with patience, understanding and wisdom. There is power in diversities if they are well harnessed and managed.

I counsel you that you should not nag your spouse or take offence because of the differences between you. Love the differences and work on them, your marriage will be strong. Your differences make your relationship exciting. Think on this! If both of you are introverts, your relationship will be boring and if the two of you are extroverts, there will be tension in your relationship.

God is wise in making you who you are and match you with your spouse with different dispositions. Don’t attempt to change your spouse. You should stay together patiently until you understand each other and accommodate your differences without any stress. This is maturity. It will help you to harness your differences and work as a team in building a dynamic, stable and happy marriage.  

The point to note in conclusion is: A successful marriage does not mean lack of differences between husband and wife but the ability of the couple to turn their differences to strength and concede to each other when necessary. You should handle your marital differences with understanding, love and patience and you will enjoy a stable and blissful marriage.

Drop your comment or You can contact me through: WhatsApp No: 08033070986 OR

Email: lawrenceayodele58@yahoo.com

Marriage Nugget 1: Openness Between the Husband and Wife

 At the innocence stage before sin corrupted the nature of man, Adam and Eve were both naked were not ashamed. This is the divine blueprint for marriage. That is, openness between husband and wife. Openness in marriage is the foundation of trust which serves as a nucleus for other virtues by which husband and wife can establish a successful marriage. Whatever you’re hiding from your spouse is a timed bomb that can ground your marriage when the secret is exposed to your spouse.

In a marriage where there is true love there is nothing that the husband and wife should hide from each other. In this technological age, openness has become an impossible virtue of husband and wife. Are you surprised to hear that? Don’t judge yet. Consider these questions: Does your spouse have access to your mobile phone? Does your spouse know the password of your mobile phone? Can your spouse pick your call and answer on your behalf without being queried? Will your spouse be happy if he or she reads through all the messages in your phone? Does your spouse know your income or salary?

If you desire to build a stable and successful marriage, don’t allow any secret to exist between you and your spouse. This is good for the welfare of your marriage. A man was so secretive that he did not tell his wife that he was bitten by a dog. Few days later, he fell sick and was barking till he died of rabbis. If he had told his wife, he could not have died! Are you keeping any secret from your spouse? You need to open up to your spouse so that you can have peace of mind and clear conscience. Openness in marriage is not negotiable. You need it for the success of your marriage.

You can WhatsApp me through +2348033070986.

Email - lawrenceayodele58@yahoo.com

Marital Crisis: Causes and Solutions

Originally, God designed marriage as a crisis-free institution. The marriage of Adam and Eve was crisis-free before their fall. But they were sent out of Eden as soon as they disobeyed God. In the light of this, they could not enjoy God’s provisions again, they were to toil before they could eat, they toiled on the cursed soil, they too were cursed and the glory, the Spirit of God departed from them and Satan and his agents had access to manipulate marriage. All the above laid a foundation for crisis in marriage. The following are responsible for marital crisis.

Lack of Basic Necessities of Life

This is a situation where certain things like money, children or any of the basic necessities of life are lacking in a family. This creates tension which may generate crisis if the couple do not manage it with love and understanding.

Solution: Since Adam and Eve were sent out of Eden, lack becomes a reality in every marriage. But lack may not lead to crisis if the couple realises that no condition is permanent. They should see their attitude to lack as a means of testing the sincerity of their love to each other. They should not allow lack to throw them apart. They should work together to provide what is lacking. As they are doing this, they must not allow their love and intimacy to be affected.

Bottled Anger

Husband and wife that interact regularly will offend each other. When the offences are not discussed and forgiven, anger will continue to pile up. Accumulation of such anger leads to serious crisis which may explode the marriage.

Solution: Husband and wife must see themselves as one. They must not keep diary of offences. They must discuss offences and resolve them as soon as they arise. They must forgive each other sincerely without reference to the offences again.

Activities of Third Parties

A third party is a thing or somebody that stands between husband and wife. In this technological age, modern inventions are formidable third parties that have scattered many marriages. The activities of third parties rob husband and wife of the necessary time, affection, intimacy and privacy. This creates communication gap between the couple. Once the communication link of the husband and wife is broken, there will be series of unresolved issues and conflicts. These can lead to serious crisis that may break the marriage.

Solution: Husband and wife must not allow third parties to influence or interfere in their relationship. They shouldn’t allow them to stand between them. They should always clarify all the accusations or allegations against their spouse by third parties. They must not reveal their problems or weaknesses of each other to third parties even their relations. When there are unresolved conflicts or misunderstanding, they should consult marriage counsellor instead of friends or relations.

Frustration

Every man or woman enters into marriage with a lot of expectations. Most people enter into marriage with the hope of solving their problems. Every couple wants their marriage to be haven on earth. The reality is that no one can have all his or her expectations in marriage met. Inability to accept this reality and adjust accordingly has caused crises in many marriages. Those who could not  manage these crises have been thrown apart.

Solution: This is one of the complex issues in marital relationship. The frustrated party always believes that he or she was deceived into the marriage. This hardens his or her heart and it will be difficult for him or her to develop the love that can sustain their marriage. The fact that we should all admit is that marriage is like life itself. No man can realise all his life expectations. With this understanding and love, husbands and wives can bear their frustration. In fact, they must always look at the virtues of each other. This will play down the tension that may result from frustration and with time situation may change or the frustration may fade away.

Failure of a Party to Discharge his/her Duties:

Husband and wife have some responsibilities to discharge in the family. When one party fails to discharge his or her own responsibilities, it tasks the other party to bear more burden than necessary. If this persists for a long time without any hope of relief, there may be tension which could lead to a terrible crisis in the family.

Solution: The reasons for failure to discharge one’s responsibilities must first be ascertained. These reasons must be discussed with the hope of finding solution to them. If the solution is not readily feasible, the other party should continue to discharge his or her responsibilities pending the time that the situation will improve.

Poor Management of Differences

Husband and wife may have differences in some areas like religion, habit, attitude to money, taste, issues relating to children etc. These differences may not cause any problem if the couple can manage them with wisdom and understanding. When husband and wife cannot manage their differences wisely, major crisis may arise that can ruin their marriage.

Solution: In actual sense, differences do not come up one day. Some of these differences existed before the marriage. Ideally, differences are supposed to be sorted out during courtship. However, some people are beclouded with ‘hot love’ during the courtship and they could not see the differences. On the other hand, some people postpone resolution of their differences till after the wedding. The best way to handle differences is meaningful and loving communication and concession. However, couples should learn how to live together in harmony and peace in spite of their differences. Genuine love makes differences bearable for couples.

Handling Conflict of Interests in Marriage

Marriage is a union of two individual persons (a man and a woman). The underlying fact is that the two parties in marriage are not perfect beings and they have different backgrounds and upbringings. Hence, husband and wife always have different interests and this continues in the marriage till death separates them. If the conflict of interests is not to destroy the marriage it must be well managed by husband and wife. In other words, a successful marriage is the marriage in which the husband and wife manages their differences with understanding and love with the welfare and continuity of their marriage in view.

In the course of my counselling experience, I have discovered four possibilities of conflict of interests between husbands and wives.

Case 1: Interests with Damaging Effects on the marriage

The first possibility is when the interest of the husband or wife is a potential bomb that can scatter the marriage, the couple must come together to review the interest. The interest can be modified and the offensive aspect removed. However, if the interest cannot be modified for the welfare of the marriage, the party having the interest must be persuaded to drop the interest. Such a party should count it as the sacrifice he or she will make for his or her marriage to be stabilised, prosperous and peaceful.

Case 2: Tolerable interests with no effect on the marriage

The second possibility is where the conflicting interest has no effect on the marriage and at the same time it can be tolerated by the other party. Such an interest could be allowed because it cannot cause conflict between the husband and wife. However, the party having such an interest should exercise caution so as not to overdo it to the extent that it will irritate his/her spouse.

It is pertinent to caution here that the couple must be careful so as not to allow a third party to make issue out of the interest. For example, the husband loves to take his food hot while the wife could not take hot food. In the light of this, the two of them agree to take their meal separately. In actual sense, this may not affect the family. But the heart of the husband may be poisoned against the wife by a third party by telling him that this may give room for the wife to kill him. If there is mutual trust between the husband and wife, this will not upset the stability between them. But when this opens way for suspicion on the part of the husband, it will affect the marriage.

Case 3: Harmless Interests but Intolerable by the Spouse

The third possibility is the situation where the conflicting interest has no effect on the marriage but cannot be accommodated by the spouse. This is similar to the second possibility but with a little difference that cannot be ignored.

At times, husband’s or wife’s interest may have no effect on the marriage but it is irritating to the other party. Such an interest often results to conflict between the husband and wife. If the person with such an interest wants peace in the marriage, he/she must do away with the interest without being bitter to his/her spouse.

For example, a husband may love to watch soccer even late in the night. Though it is harmless, it irritates the wife who loves to chat with her husband before she sleeps. In this instance, the wife will be burning within her. If this situation continues, it will cause friction between them which may destroy the marriage.

The best option here is twofold. Either the husband convinces the wife to develop interest in soccer so that they can watch it together or he sacrifices his interest for the sake of peace in his marriage. In the first option, he will need to first drop the interest and stay with his wife. Later he will discuss with her the benefits that he derives from watching soccer. If he does this in love, the wife may decide to watch soccer and later develop interest in them. As they are watching a game of soccer, they can chat with each other.

Case 4: Helpful and Threatening Interests

The fourth possibility is the situation where the interest of a party will help the marriage but it threatens the other party. This is the most critical among the possibilities. But in a marriage where love reigns, it can be resolved without affecting their relationship.

In resolving marital conflicts as a Marriage Counsellor, I have discovered that somebody may have certain interest which may be helpful to the marriage but it is a threat to his or her spouse. For example, a wife undertaking further studies for her promotion. This translates to an increased income which in turn boost the income of the family. But the fear that his wife may turn round to be proud and attempt to dominate him may threaten the husband. This can be resolved if the wife discovers the fear of her husband and assure him that actualising her interest will not change her.

On the other hand, if a man forms a partnership with a lady to boost his business, his wife may be threatened. She may think that her husband may fall in love with the lady partner. But she may not be bold enough to express her fear to her husband for fear of being tagged, ‘a jealous woman’. In a subtle way, this affects their love. If this lingers, the suspicion will erodes the trust they have for each other. Once this sets in, the marriage is in trouble and may collapse anytime.

In conclusion, good communication, mutual trust and concession are weapons to resolve conflicting interest in marriage. No sacrifice is too much to make in order to have a stable and happy marriage. Don’t accept the deception that you will get somebody whose interest will be absolutely the same with yours. If you allow conflicting interest to scatter your marriage, you may discover that the other spouse you pick is worse than the first.

Discover the 7 Keys for Building a Successful Marriage

The Word of God reveals that everything created by God was very good. Have you observed any negative thing or adverse situation in your life or marriage? Have you noticed certain negative habits in your spouse? This is not part of the design of God for you and your marriage. Examine yourself and your relationship in the light of God’s blueprint for marriage.

The origin of all negative and evil things that scatter marriage is Satan. You only need to examine the area he is operating in your marriage to frustrate the plan and purpose of God for your marriage. Then work together with your spouse to lock Satan out of your marriage. This will help you to move in the path of love. Satan cannot operate on the path of love because the power and illumination of love will expose him and you will have a happy family.

7 Keys to Walk on the Path of Love

Key 1: Husband and Wife must operate as Partners: God ordains marriage to be enjoyed by husband and wife and not to be endured. If husband and wife will realise this purpose, they must operate together in everything.

At this juncture, ask yourself, ‘Have I been operating together with my spouse?’ ‘Am I living as if I’m alone?’ ‘When I’m taking a decision, do I consult my spouse for his/her counsel?’ Or do I think I have enough wisdom to take quality decisions? If you are not seeing your spouse as your partner in progress, you are cheating yourself. Just start to plan together with your spouse; you will be surprised of the level your marriage will reach!

Key 2: Accepting Wise Counsels of Your Wife: As a wife, you should think deeply before you offer advice to your husband. Give the advice that can contribute to the growth of your love. In all cases, when you offer advice to your husband, subject it to his approval. Give him enough time to think on what he will do with your advice. On the other hand, as husband, think on the advice of your wife. Accept it if it conforms to the Word of God and its application will strengthen your marriage relationship..

In case your wife’s advice is not acceptable, turn it down with wisdom and love. You need to explain to her the reason(s) for rejecting her advice. Assure her that you will value her future advice.

Key 3: Handling Your Disputes and Disagreement in Love: Before you got married, did you intend to have dispute-free marriage? Now that you are married, are you embarrassed by the disputes and disagreement you’re having? Or do you see your marriage as a failure due to the disputes? This quote by Nancy J. Wasson may change your thought: ‘Lack of fights, disagreements, arguments and dissention is strongly connected to lack of passion and desire most time.’

My counsel to you is that when you have disagreement with your spouse, do not allow a third party (even your children) to know. Do not argue openly before a third party. Withdraw to your bedroom or any secluded place and resolve the issue amicably. Do not allow your argument to degenerate to domestic violence. The golden rule is: Do not allow any dispute between you and your spouse to linger long before it is settled. Lingering disputes generate tension that can result to anarchy in the home.

Key 4: Mutual Submission of Husband and Wife: Submission in marriage is a two-way affair. Husband submit to his wife by respecting her view, by denying himself to satisfy her and conceding to her when occasion demands. On the other hand, wife submit to her husband by accepting his authority and by obeying him. Mutual submission should not be by force. It should be in the fear of God.

Husband, your submission to your wife does not reduce your authority over her. Neither does it devalue you before her. Wife, your submission to your husband does not make you a slave to him. 

Key 5: Accepting Each Other: One of the keys to a successful marriage is mutual acceptance of both husband and wife. Husband and wife must see themselves as two sides of a coin. Their value and survival depend on this. Mutual acceptance helps husband and wife in respecting and honouring each other knowing fully well that whatever they do to each other affects both of them.

Key 6: Forgiving Each other: When husband and wife interact together as they ought to, mistakes and offences are inevitable. Thus forgiveness keeps them together to develop the love that can take their marriage to the blissful level. Realising that you’re not an angel and your spouse forgave you your past offences should prompt you to forgive your spouse.

Forgiving your spouse doesn’t make you cheap. Rather, it reveals your inner strength. “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” (Mahatma Gandhi).

Key 7: Patience: The foundational virtue that husband and wife need to build a happy home is patience. Solomon says, ‘…the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit’ (Eccl. 7:8). It takes time for husband and wife to develop the virtues that they need to build a happy home. In actual fact, the first five years of the marriage is very critical. The sad thing is that some marriages break up before the husbands and wives blend with each other. “Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.” (Mark Twain).

In the course of working together to build a prosperous family, husband and wife must bear with each other’s lapses, weaknesses, and irrational behaviours. “More marriages might survive if the partners realised that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” (Doug Larson). 

Are you tired of your marriage? Do you have the notion that your spouse cannot change again and you are planning to quit your marriage? Please be patient note this quote of John Fischer: “The success of marriage comes not in finding the "right" person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realise they married.”

Don’t Quit Your Marriage!!!