Handling Conflict of Interests in Marriage

Marriage is a union of two individual persons (a man and a woman). The underlying fact is that the two parties in marriage are not perfect beings and they have different backgrounds and upbringings. Hence, husband and wife always have different interests and this continues in the marriage till death separates them. If the conflict of interests is not to destroy the marriage it must be well managed by husband and wife. In other words, a successful marriage is the marriage in which the husband and wife manages their differences with understanding and love with the welfare and continuity of their marriage in view.

In the course of my counselling experience, I have discovered four possibilities of conflict of interests between husbands and wives.

Case 1: Interests with Damaging Effects on the marriage

The first possibility is when the interest of the husband or wife is a potential bomb that can scatter the marriage, the couple must come together to review the interest. The interest can be modified and the offensive aspect removed. However, if the interest cannot be modified for the welfare of the marriage, the party having the interest must be persuaded to drop the interest. Such a party should count it as the sacrifice he or she will make for his or her marriage to be stabilised, prosperous and peaceful.

Case 2: Tolerable interests with no effect on the marriage

The second possibility is where the conflicting interest has no effect on the marriage and at the same time it can be tolerated by the other party. Such an interest could be allowed because it cannot cause conflict between the husband and wife. However, the party having such an interest should exercise caution so as not to overdo it to the extent that it will irritate his/her spouse.

It is pertinent to caution here that the couple must be careful so as not to allow a third party to make issue out of the interest. For example, the husband loves to take his food hot while the wife could not take hot food. In the light of this, the two of them agree to take their meal separately. In actual sense, this may not affect the family. But the heart of the husband may be poisoned against the wife by a third party by telling him that this may give room for the wife to kill him. If there is mutual trust between the husband and wife, this will not upset the stability between them. But when this opens way for suspicion on the part of the husband, it will affect the marriage.

Case 3: Harmless Interests but Intolerable by the Spouse

The third possibility is the situation where the conflicting interest has no effect on the marriage but cannot be accommodated by the spouse. This is similar to the second possibility but with a little difference that cannot be ignored.

At times, husband’s or wife’s interest may have no effect on the marriage but it is irritating to the other party. Such an interest often results to conflict between the husband and wife. If the person with such an interest wants peace in the marriage, he/she must do away with the interest without being bitter to his/her spouse.

For example, a husband may love to watch soccer even late in the night. Though it is harmless, it irritates the wife who loves to chat with her husband before she sleeps. In this instance, the wife will be burning within her. If this situation continues, it will cause friction between them which may destroy the marriage.

The best option here is twofold. Either the husband convinces the wife to develop interest in soccer so that they can watch it together or he sacrifices his interest for the sake of peace in his marriage. In the first option, he will need to first drop the interest and stay with his wife. Later he will discuss with her the benefits that he derives from watching soccer. If he does this in love, the wife may decide to watch soccer and later develop interest in them. As they are watching a game of soccer, they can chat with each other.

Case 4: Helpful and Threatening Interests

The fourth possibility is the situation where the interest of a party will help the marriage but it threatens the other party. This is the most critical among the possibilities. But in a marriage where love reigns, it can be resolved without affecting their relationship.

In resolving marital conflicts as a Marriage Counsellor, I have discovered that somebody may have certain interest which may be helpful to the marriage but it is a threat to his or her spouse. For example, a wife undertaking further studies for her promotion. This translates to an increased income which in turn boost the income of the family. But the fear that his wife may turn round to be proud and attempt to dominate him may threaten the husband. This can be resolved if the wife discovers the fear of her husband and assure him that actualising her interest will not change her.

On the other hand, if a man forms a partnership with a lady to boost his business, his wife may be threatened. She may think that her husband may fall in love with the lady partner. But she may not be bold enough to express her fear to her husband for fear of being tagged, ‘a jealous woman’. In a subtle way, this affects their love. If this lingers, the suspicion will erodes the trust they have for each other. Once this sets in, the marriage is in trouble and may collapse anytime.

In conclusion, good communication, mutual trust and concession are weapons to resolve conflicting interest in marriage. No sacrifice is too much to make in order to have a stable and happy marriage. Don’t accept the deception that you will get somebody whose interest will be absolutely the same with yours. If you allow conflicting interest to scatter your marriage, you may discover that the other spouse you pick is worse than the first.

Discover the 7 Keys for Building a Successful Marriage

The Word of God reveals that everything created by God was very good. Have you observed any negative thing or adverse situation in your life or marriage? Have you noticed certain negative habits in your spouse? This is not part of the design of God for you and your marriage. Examine yourself and your relationship in the light of God’s blueprint for marriage.

The origin of all negative and evil things that scatter marriage is Satan. You only need to examine the area he is operating in your marriage to frustrate the plan and purpose of God for your marriage. Then work together with your spouse to lock Satan out of your marriage. This will help you to move in the path of love. Satan cannot operate on the path of love because the power and illumination of love will expose him and you will have a happy family.

7 Keys to Walk on the Path of Love

Key 1: Husband and Wife must operate as Partners: God ordains marriage to be enjoyed by husband and wife and not to be endured. If husband and wife will realise this purpose, they must operate together in everything.

At this juncture, ask yourself, ‘Have I been operating together with my spouse?’ ‘Am I living as if I’m alone?’ ‘When I’m taking a decision, do I consult my spouse for his/her counsel?’ Or do I think I have enough wisdom to take quality decisions? If you are not seeing your spouse as your partner in progress, you are cheating yourself. Just start to plan together with your spouse; you will be surprised of the level your marriage will reach!

Key 2: Accepting Wise Counsels of Your Wife: As a wife, you should think deeply before you offer advice to your husband. Give the advice that can contribute to the growth of your love. In all cases, when you offer advice to your husband, subject it to his approval. Give him enough time to think on what he will do with your advice. On the other hand, as husband, think on the advice of your wife. Accept it if it conforms to the Word of God and its application will strengthen your marriage relationship..

In case your wife’s advice is not acceptable, turn it down with wisdom and love. You need to explain to her the reason(s) for rejecting her advice. Assure her that you will value her future advice.

Key 3: Handling Your Disputes and Disagreement in Love: Before you got married, did you intend to have dispute-free marriage? Now that you are married, are you embarrassed by the disputes and disagreement you’re having? Or do you see your marriage as a failure due to the disputes? This quote by Nancy J. Wasson may change your thought: ‘Lack of fights, disagreements, arguments and dissention is strongly connected to lack of passion and desire most time.’

My counsel to you is that when you have disagreement with your spouse, do not allow a third party (even your children) to know. Do not argue openly before a third party. Withdraw to your bedroom or any secluded place and resolve the issue amicably. Do not allow your argument to degenerate to domestic violence. The golden rule is: Do not allow any dispute between you and your spouse to linger long before it is settled. Lingering disputes generate tension that can result to anarchy in the home.

Key 4: Mutual Submission of Husband and Wife: Submission in marriage is a two-way affair. Husband submit to his wife by respecting her view, by denying himself to satisfy her and conceding to her when occasion demands. On the other hand, wife submit to her husband by accepting his authority and by obeying him. Mutual submission should not be by force. It should be in the fear of God.

Husband, your submission to your wife does not reduce your authority over her. Neither does it devalue you before her. Wife, your submission to your husband does not make you a slave to him. 

Key 5: Accepting Each Other: One of the keys to a successful marriage is mutual acceptance of both husband and wife. Husband and wife must see themselves as two sides of a coin. Their value and survival depend on this. Mutual acceptance helps husband and wife in respecting and honouring each other knowing fully well that whatever they do to each other affects both of them.

Key 6: Forgiving Each other: When husband and wife interact together as they ought to, mistakes and offences are inevitable. Thus forgiveness keeps them together to develop the love that can take their marriage to the blissful level. Realising that you’re not an angel and your spouse forgave you your past offences should prompt you to forgive your spouse.

Forgiving your spouse doesn’t make you cheap. Rather, it reveals your inner strength. “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” (Mahatma Gandhi).

Key 7: Patience: The foundational virtue that husband and wife need to build a happy home is patience. Solomon says, ‘…the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit’ (Eccl. 7:8). It takes time for husband and wife to develop the virtues that they need to build a happy home. In actual fact, the first five years of the marriage is very critical. The sad thing is that some marriages break up before the husbands and wives blend with each other. “Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.” (Mark Twain).

In the course of working together to build a prosperous family, husband and wife must bear with each other’s lapses, weaknesses, and irrational behaviours. “More marriages might survive if the partners realised that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” (Doug Larson). 

Are you tired of your marriage? Do you have the notion that your spouse cannot change again and you are planning to quit your marriage? Please be patient note this quote of John Fischer: “The success of marriage comes not in finding the "right" person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realise they married.”

Don’t Quit Your Marriage!!!

Secrets to Stealing Your Spouse’s Heart

A man cannot operate a machine in respect of which he has no knowledge. Similarly, you cannot have cordial relationship with your spouse if you do not have good knowledge of him/her. During courtship, singles should strive to acquire a reasonable knowledge of their proposed husband or wife. It is a great mistake to marry somebody you do not know very well. Nowadays, people undertake online courtship.

This is the reasons many marriages are having problems as soon as they take off. Many couples that got divorced because of irreconcilable differences could have remained together if they took time to study themselves during courtship. They could have known that they are not compatible with each other. Even now that you are married; you must take time to study your spouse and this must continue as long as both of you live. 

The areas you need to check in respect of your knowledge about your spouse are:

1.      Do you know your spouse’s DOs and DON’Ts? Knowing your spouse's dos and don’ts will help you to relate well with him/her without unnecessary friction. If you avoid your spouse’s “DON’Ts” and indulge yourself more in his/her “DOs”, you will make him/her happy and fulfilled. This is the secret to stealing the heart of your spouse. Give it a trial and you will enjoy your marriage.

2.      Do you know what can put your spouse on or off? Anytime you put your spouse off, his/her love for you reduces by certain percentage depending on the deepness of the hurt. Knowing what can put your spouse off and avoiding them will strengthen your relationship. On the other hand, knowing what can put your spouse on and doing them will make your marriage exciting, romantic and blissful.

3.      Do you know the time your spouse’s mood change? Are you observant enough to know when your spouse is having an inner crisis? Your ability to read your spouse's mood will help you to take prompt action that will bring him/her back to his/her normal mood before he/she drifts too far into more confusion. Being in a bad mood over a long time can lead to violence and at the extreme it can cause murder and/or suicide.

4.      How much do you know about your spouse’s sexual life, spiritual life and social life? Knowing your spouse's sexual life will help you to adjust to his or her level. Knowing your spouse's spiritual life will help you to support him/her in whatever spiritual assignment he/she is undertaking. Knowing your spouse's social life will help you to accommodate him/her vis-à-vis his/her social activities. It will also help you to advise him/her on the areas where change may be necessary.

5.      Do you know your spouse’s life dream? You need to know your spouse's life’s aspiration and support him/her in achieving his/her dream. No sacrifice is too much to make in support of your spouse’s vision. It always pays off when your marriage prospers and blisses beyond your imagination as he/she will be energised to be successful and fulfilled.

6.      Do you know what your spouse’s hobbies are? You should love what your spouse loves doing and allow him/her to do it. You can even share it with him/her. This will make him/her happy and comfortable.

7.      Do you know how your spouse wants you to treat his/her relations and your children? If you don't treat your children and the relations of your spouse the way he/she likes, he/she will not be happy with you. This may in turn cause hostility and aggression in the marriage.

8.      Do you know what your spouse wants you to remember him/her for? When you know what your spouse wants to be remembered for, you will be well equipped to carry out his/her vision after he/she has gone.

9.      Do you know important dates in your spouse’s life (birthday, wedding day, birthdays of children etc.)? Knowing these important dates shows that you have interest in your spouse and your family. This will excite him/her and assure him/her of your interest in him/her. This goes a long way to make the marriage peaceful.  

10. Do you know how your spouse will react to certain issues (your mistakes, your sickness, setback in the family etc.)? Knowing these will help you to do what can make your spouse to be happy always. It will also help you to know the level of commitment of your spouse to the continuity of your marriage.

11. Do you know what your spouse desires from you? If you know what your spouse desires from you, you should sacrifice everything you can to satisfy him/her in line with your marriage vow.

BEFORE YOU QUIT, THINK ON THIS!!!

Marriage is a union between a man and a woman who desire to live together for life in a happy union. Practically and in the real sense, it takes the two partners to build a happy home. But experience has shown that, one time or the other, one of the couple is not contributing his or her best to make the marriage blissful and successful. At times this oscillates between the two partners. Hence, now it is your turn to be at the receiving end you must examine your stand very carefully before you jump out of the marriage. 

You need to consider the following steps:

• What caused the present problems?
• What is your own contribution in the problems?
• What can you do to convince your spouse that you still love him or her in spite of the problem?

In a situation like this:

• You must avoid nagging.
• You should not shift blame on your spouse or your in-laws or anybody around you.
• You should not tell anybody the problem between you and your spouse except a marriage counsellor that can help you to fix the problem. You may connect me through my WhatsApp No: 08033070986
• You must think of the trauma and the devastating effect of divorce on you, your spouse and most importantly your children.
  
• You must humble yourself and beg your spouse to join hand with you in resolving the problems even if he or she is the cause of the problems.
• Above all, take your case to God in prayer and have faith that God will intervene in your affairs and restore your marriage.

My counsel to you is that whatever happen, don't quit your marriage. The problem is temporary and you will overcome it and praise God for it.

Power of Tolerance in Building a Successful Marriage

The great misconception of most people entering into marriage is that their spouses are angels. Hence, they don't expect any mistake from them. But nobody is perfect. We are bound to make mistakes as long as we’re still living. What makes a marriage to succeed is the proper attitude that the husband and wife have towards each other’s mistakes. When husband and wife tolerate each other’s mistakes in love, it makes correction easy and the marriage will grow steadily.

You need to examine the way you have been handling your spouse's mistakes so that you can fix the cause of recurring tension in your marriage. The following questions will help in this regard.

1.      Are you provoked by your spouse’s mistakes? It is not too bad to be provoked by your spouse's mistakes. But it is not healthy for your relationship to talk or act under provocation as such acts or utterances could be destructive.

2.      How long does it take your anger to subside when your spouse provokes you? You should not allow your anger towards your spouse's mistake last more than ten minutes. When your spouse provokes you, take time to think over his/her good habits and how he/she has been relating with you in love when you made mistakes in the past. This will douse your anger.

3.      When your spouse tenders his/her apology for his/her mistakes, do you sincerely forgive him/her? Once your spouse apologises for his/her mistakes, you should accept the apology and forgive him/her from your heart. Jesus advises us to forgive others four hundred and ninety (490) times. This calls for unlimited tolerance in dealing with each other’s mistakes. Forgiveness heals the wound of offences and thus pave way for smooth and cordial relationship between couples. Have you been doing that?

4.      Do you always seek revenge when your spouse wrongs you? Through vengeance, your spouse too is offended and tension between you may increase to breaking point.  The action you take may make an indelible mark on his/her body and deep wound in his/her heart. Again, Jesus advises us to turn the left cheek to whoever strikes us on the right cheek. This is a great sacrifice but it allows peace to reign in your marriage. As you’re exploring this, think of a good thing you can do that can create room for love and peace in the marriage. This will prepare a suitable ground for loving communication and resolution of issues that could destabilise your marriage.

5.      If your spouse’s mistake causes problems in your family, do you abandon him/her to sort it out? Always adopt the principle of collective responsibility in your marriage. By this, you will join hand together to solve your marital problem no matter who may be responsible for it. Avoid apportioning blame. Accept the fact that you too may do the same thing.

6.      Assuming you catch your spouse in extra-marital affairs or if you discover that your spouse has a child out of wedlock, will you quit your marriage? The best policy that you need to adopt like Apostle Paul is to always forget those things that have passed away. Once your spouse has committed a grievous error like extra-marital affair or having a child out of wedlock, don't allow this to break up your family. The best thing is to think of solution and restoration. God expects you to forgive your spouse if you want Him to forgive you of your trespasses. Besides, if your love to your spouse is genuine, there is no sin you should not be able to forgive him/her.

7.      Do you have the record of all your spouse’s past mistakes? It is not good to keep the records of the past mistakes of your spouse. Anytime you read such a record you are renewing your wound and reliving the tension you felt when the event took place. This affects your love to your spouse. If you have such a record, kindly destroy it TODAY. Or if you store them in your heart, take time to pray and purge yourself of them.

Commitment as the Hub of a Successful Marriage

It is a common knowledge that not every marriage is successful, yet every couple desires to have a successful marriage. What makes the difference is that many couples are casual in their marriage relationship while some are serious in making their marriages successful. Commitment is therefore the hub of a successful marriage. Only the couple that ignores all distractions and weathers all the storms can attain the goal of establishing a successful and blissful marriage. Such a couple sacrifice many things in the course of establishing a marriage that could be described as haven on earth.

It is instructive to note that commitment in marriage should be regular and continue for the life of the husband and wife in order to sustain the euphoria of their marriage. It is necessary to examine your commitment in your marriage regularly on the following bases.

1.      Do you place your business/work or other things above your marriage? Placing anything above your marriage reduces the time you spend at home with your family. This opens a door for third parties to meddle in the affairs of your family. Most of the times, activities of third parties are always inimical to the health of a marriage.

2.      What are you doing to make your marriage peaceful and blissful for your spouse? The best goal you can set is that you will do everything possible to make your spouse happy and enjoy your relationship. When husband and wife set this goal, their marriage will be peaceful, successful and blissful.

3.      What are your daily sacrifices for a healthy relationship with your spouse? Many things as well as some people compete together for your time and affection. You need to sacrifice all these things for you to have time to work on your marriage in order to make it successful progressively.

4.      Are you ready to give up whatever you know can destabilise your marriage? Do you perceive something that erodes the love and intimacy between you and your spouse? You should not hesitate to avoid it. Of course friends and things (even your hobby) that can cause problem in your marriage should be avoided. Remember, if your marriage fails, you’re solely responsible and you become a laughing-stock in the society.

5.      What have you invested in your marriage that will bind you with your spouse for life? When you have not invested anything in your marriage, you have nothing at stake. Successful couples invested time, money and many things in their marriages. Hence, they will not allow their marriages to fail. A marriage in which husband and wife fail to invest something can collapse anytime without a sense of loss. They will not even make any attempt for reconciliation because they never feel the any loss!  

6.      When there is a problem in your marriage, do you join hand with your spouse to resolve it promptly? There is power in unity. No matter how tough a marital problem may be, if you can join hand with your spouse and you agree that the problem would disappear, surely you will be happy at last. In case your spouse is the cause of the problem, you should avoid to say, ‘I have warned you’ and don’t shift blame. Forget about the past and think of how to solve the problem lovingly and move forward. Delaying resolution of issues as they arise always gives room for them to escalate to greater and perhaps irreconcilable problems. Please don’t procrastinate in dealing with your marital problems.

7.      Is there anything that your spouse can do and prompt you to divorce him/her? Job says, 'What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me' (Job 3:25). If you have certain things that can make you quit your marriage if your spouse do them, such things have a way of happening. So watch.

In conclusion, a successful marriage is a task that both husband and wife must commit themselves to achieve. It should be known that a bad marriage breeds bad children and distressed men and women. This causes insecurity and corruption in the society. Your marriage must succeed, don’t give up yet. Try more and you will surely enjoy your marriage.

Power of Communication in Building a Successful Marriage

Communication is the soul of marriage. A healthy and prosperous marriage is an indication that the husband and wife communicate with each other effectively and regularly. Effective communication is a powerful tool with which husband and wife can deal with the little 'foxes' that suck marriage love. When something is going wrong in your marriage, check the mode of communication between you and your spouse before you move far into the problem.

The areas you need to check if the mode of communication between you and your spouse is healthy are:

1.      Do you take time to discuss issues concerning your marriage and family? You need to discuss issues concerning your marriage exhaustively with your spouse regularly if your marriage is to move forward in the right direction.

2.      Do you always want to dominate your spouse during discussion? Your desire to dominate your spouse during discussion implies that domineering spirit is driving you. This may make your spouse to lose interest in discussing with you.

3.      Do you say ‘sorry’ when you offend your spouse? Saying 'sorry' to your spouse when you offend him/her is an indication that you are humble enough to realise that you are wrong. This five-letter word is a 'balm of Eden' that heals the inner wound that your action has caused in your spouse's heart.

4.      Do you always hold to your opinion even when your spouse has a superior opinion? No man is a paradigm of wisdom. Acknowledging and accepting a superior opinion of others is a sign of greatness. We have discovered that it takes the ideas of both husband and wife to reach decisions that can drive a marriage to the realm of prosperity. So don't reject this powerful tool in building your marriage.

5.      Do you postpone settlement of disagreement between you and your spouse? Postponing settlement of disagreement between you and your spouse allows tension to build up in your family. This can cause distress and anarchy that are capable of destroying your marriage.

6.      Do you listen attentively to your spouse when he/she expresses his/her opinion? It is good to be an attentive listener. When you listen to your spouse with a rapt attention, you are assuring him/her that you're interested in his/her opinion.

7.      Do you tell your spouse when he/she offends you? Telling your spouse when he/she offends you relieves you of inner tension that bottling it up could have generated in you. It opens room for dialogue between you for its settlement.

8.      In what manner do you state your grievances when your spouse offends you? When you have anything against your spouse, you should state your mind with humility, love, meekness and soothing words. Don't castigate your spouse.

9.      When you reach a concrete decision with your spouse, do you submit to that decision and relate with your spouse accordingly? If you accept the decision you reach with your spouse as a joint decision and you are convinced that the decision is for the overall welfare of your family, you need to submit to it.

10. When a matter has been resolved, do you always refer to it on other occasions? Referring to past wrongs that had been resolved is a way of opening up the old wound. It means you have not really forgiven your spouse. This will affect your marriage love and the way you relate with your spouse.

11. Do you always insult your spouse’s parents and relations? It is a great sin against God for you to insult your spouse's parents and relations. It will work against your love in your spouse's heart.

12. Do you verbally appreciate your spouse's efforts to keep your marriage going smoothly? Expressing your appreciation of your spouse's action is a tonic that put him/her on to work tirelessly for the progress of your marriage.